Friday, January 27, 2012

Zombies Ate Your Brains: Editorial Ramblings N$FU

With the economy in the proverbial dumper, the end of the world in sight, and manufacturers looking for any possible angle of the dangle, we have seen the rise of the zombies. Don't get me wrong, zombies have been bad @$$ for the few decades I have had the privilege of watching them on film.

When I was a kid, if you hadn't seen Night of the Living Dead, Up in Smoke, or Full Metal Jacket, then frankly we had nothing to talk about. "I am going to get you Barbara" was the coolest phrase along with "I'll bet you're the kind of guy that would !=uck a person in the @$$ and not even have the god damn common courtesy to give him a reach-around." Perhaps I should have had better parental advisory. 

DuraCoat Zombie Coat
At any rate zombies were, and still are cool. There was a mystique to the George Romero classic. First you had people eating other people, which simply was frowned upon at the time. Combine this with the ability to shoot anyone you want simply because they are not using their brain in the correct fashion, plus the fear of someone eating your head cheese, and you have an instant gut instinct to cheer on those blasting away at the zombie hoards.

You definitely had some ulterior motives to the tale with a brawny black man and a baseball bat as the protagonist, and southern gents stringing up the un-dead and just watch them squirm around but, lets leave further analysis to the sociology majors as you should get the point of how controversial this was for the times. 

Zombie-X Pistol Grips by Hogue
So, what do we have now? Well, with a $5 Billion+ marketing buzz as quoted from one representative of a company that shall go un-named, whose product is not shown here, they will be rolling in the big bucks just by slapping some baby $hiY green on the product along with a radioactive symbol and relevant zombie verbiage.

Who can blame them, everyone is jumping on board this gravy train with biscuit wheels. To the very top of the page you have Duracoat who for the first time is saying neon green and pansy pink is the new black. Then with the next picture down you have Hogue gladly proclaiming that you clearly want to disfigure your grandpa's family jewels by slapping a zed noggin on the old pistol grip. Perhaps they didn't say that, but it sounded cooler then just some cheapy .22 you picked up at last weekends flea market.

3-D Zombie Targets 
I must digress as there are plenty of beautiful reasons to promote the hell out of this craze. For one, you can shoot Osama bin Laden. A friend of mine took a nice torso sized bin Laden target down to the gun range shortly after 9/11, and they turned his object of animus away simply because it was a human. This was in Arizona where even the coyotes conceal carry.

Of course, now you just slap the un-dead label on that lead destination and you are good to go. Apparently the guys at Law Enforcement Targets took it to the next level with 3-D bleeding zombies and now they are living in the Maldives with personal masseuse's following them around with a warm moist towelette and a bucket of beer.

Some people like to take the marketing advantage to the highest level possible. Everyone knows a clean shot to the head will leave the un-dead dead. Unfortunately, many out there can't make it to the second episode of Top Shot and may need a sloppier fashion of dispatching grandma, who just couldn't help but try to talk some sense in to the poor neighbor girl frothing on the patio. This is where Doublestar's rail attached chainsaw comes into play. If you are not cutting down an infestation of rotten walking flesh then at least you have the means to harvest this year's Christmas tree. We are talking about practical products here people. 

DoubleStar Zombie X Chainsaw Rail Attachment 
In the end, who cares. People enjoy the movement and in the scheme of things most of the zombie movies are someone decent. Whatever makes people feel better about their animosity for the end of the world scenarios that face us in 2012, will help make for an enjoyable year. There was a certain stigma attached to the canned food hoarders, bomb shelter builders, and ammo shortage enablers, but that all ended when you can simply state that you are preparing for the zombie apocalypse. We will give it another year before some comedy romance film makes this gimmick jump the shark. Survival preparedness is no fad and will last the long haul. The SHOT Show 2013 coverage may not be so zombietastic or it will quadruple, what do we know.

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